Thank God...

All of the last posts have been somewhat humorous and don't really describe what I'm feeling. I decided that I'm going to let loose...

Being down here is hard. I am completely out of my comfort zone most of the time. I don't speak the language and don't know what's going on quite a bit. I get very frustrated and this has been a very trying experience for me.

They say the longest 8 inches in the world is between the head and the heart. My head says, 'you're down here for a reason. you know as much spanish as you do for a reason. don't be so hard on yourself. just give it time and you're learn.' My heart doesn't get these messages. It just feels...and it feels like shit. So all of these positive phrases get re-fed with feelings and my thoughts morph into, 'what the hell am i doing here? no one just goes to a foreign country where they don't speak the language. no one volunteers for a non-profit and lives with people who don't speak english. you aren't going to do any good here.' Then life just becomes trying to make it through the day. I hate the mornings (because it's the start of the day), I hate all meals (because the people I eat with speak spanish and i'm praying they don't ask me a question), I hate when kids come because that means I have responsibilities...and i don't speak spanish. Then at night I'm praying and standing before the Lord fully exposed and at times I weep. I feel a lot.

However, there is a glimmer of hope...there is always hope. I'm not sure why but yesterday I started to thank God for everything. I've heard stories about this. I'm sure we've all heard stories about this but for me it's not until I experience something that it really sticks. I'm heard stories about a girl in Savannah, GA who was suicidal, but decided she was going to thank God for something every 5 min. and it changed her life. I've heard stories about two women in a concentration camp during the holocaust. They thanked God for the fleas that covered them and the other inmates and in turn were able to preach the Word of God without fear because no guard wanted to be around the fleas. I've heard that we should thank God in advance. I've heard that which we can't control is God's will. I've heard these things, and I'm starting to act on it. "Lord, thank you for the mornings. Thank you that I get to eat with these people and hear their language. Thank you for these kids and being able to be in front of them. Thank you for Your Presence." As I did these things an incredible thing happened: a bridge was formed between my head and my heart; one that believed the positive thoughts from before. I do believe that I am down here for a reason. I do believe that I know as much spanish as I do for reason. I don't need to be so hard on myself. I will learn spanish... it's pretty incredible.

There is still much that needs to happen, much that needs to be felt, much that needs to be seen, but for now I'm good. For now I'm only at two weeks and I still have 3 and a half months to go... thank God.