Feeling

Here’s to technology. Here’s to making something that might have been too personal for me to talk about, but now I can post on a blog and not feel embarrassment because I can’t see anyone’s faces.

Earlier tonight I spent some time with the Lord. I’ll be honest; I resisted in the beginning. I felt the Lord calling me, but I had just bought the 11^th season of ‘The Simpsons’ and wanted to watch that. Finally I gave in and starting reading Jesus of Nazareth by the current Pope Joseph Ratzinger. It is usually during times where I am reading about Jesus that He speaks to me beneath the text; kind of a sub conversation. It was during this time that I stated to have some pretty intense thoughts.

‘That which solidifies dreams into reality is feeling.’ That’s what I started with. I had these wild ideas of traveling the world, and hoping to change it. However, during these wild dreams I started to think about my time here in Ecuador. I'm already traveling. Why take away from my time here by thinking about some future trip? It’s a dangerous thing to live in the future, or even the past. It can take us out of reality, and that’s when feeling entered. I started to think of the kids here. When I’m playing with the kids I’m not thinking of great philosophical ideas or future trips; I’m just here. I’m feeling the moment. I'm feeling reality.

Ironically, a few moments later my thoughts jumped back to my plans for a future adventure. When I return I plan on taking a trip around the States. It was something that started off as a dream when performing the monotonous task of painting the halls of Casa Victoria. However, this dream has seemed to stick and I am working out the itinerary of this adventure with my friend Justin Paton. I was all pumped about this and shared it with my parents. “What about a job?’ Those were the first words out of my father’s mouth. I know my dad only wants what’s best for me and I thank him for being the voice of reason, but there was a piece of me that really hurt. A piece of me that saw myself going back into the working world and feeling that too familiar boredom; boredom with life, or rather, not living life. It’s a tough balance; living in this world but wanting what’s in another. The balance between that which is necessary and that which is, well, a dream.

I meditated on this balance as the sun was setting over the busy landscape of Ecuador’s capital. I wanted a better look. I wanted to soak it in, but the door leading to the deck off the living room was locked. I took it as a sign for me to head to higher ground. I was careful making my way knowing that my moment with the Lord was fragile. When reaching the top of Casa Victoria the roof blocked my view. ‘Well, time to climb on top of the roof.’ I’m sure there’s a rule about not doing that, but I made a quick hop and started climbing. I got excited. I felt like I was about to experiene something great and powerful. ‘Lord,’ I thought, ‘am I about to fall in love with this city?’ About half way up I heard my name called over and over again. ‘Well, there it goes,’ I thought, ‘my moment with the Lord was gone.’ But I was wrong. Across the street is a small apartment building with about 15 kids living in it. On the roof of their building, which is actually made for people to be on, were 6 kids: Maria, Natali, Erick, Widinson, Liseth and Johann. They all called my name and I took a seat and waved at them. They started yelling in Spanish and I only understood a little of what they said, but the point wasn’t conversation. They just yelled my name and wanted me to wave. They did that quite a bit… They played and I watched.

I thought my moment with the Lord was going to be beholding His great and powerful creation of the sunset. It would have led to more deep thoughts and dreams for the future once again taking me to a different place. However, He presented me with a different great and powerful creation that yanked me back into the present. It was the same thought that interrupted my dreaming process earlier. I wanted to look upon the bursts of orange, red, purple and blue painted across the sky, but instead I looked upon about something greater. And I felt something greater too. I felt the love of children. I felt the present. I felt reality.